Greetings, WYMOP readers!
So I flew to Denver today, and anyone who’s kept up with my adventures for any length of time can probably tell you that my trips through airports tend to qualify as misadventures. As a result, I compiled this short list of things to remember when traveling through an airport. Perhaps, somewhere down the line, this list will help someone smooth their way through their own travels; I certainly wish someone had given me this list, way back when I was but an untested youth.
Things to Remember When Traveling Through an Airport:
- Arrive early enough to have time to publicly strip down to your underclothes and unpack, do the shameful shuffle through your security checkpoint with minimum of trouble, then dress and re-pack on the other side of the magical machines.
- Actively noticing a TSA agent laughing at you during this process will both lengthen said process and make it more uncomfortable—unless you think Agent Feelyhands is cute, of course.
- You can only check a bag through within four hours of your flight. Go through that line any earlier and you just have to carry your bag away with you and come back . . . and through that line . . . again. Ladies: stomping feet and copious weeping doesn’t do you a bit of good. Gentlemen: stomping feet and copious weeping might get you a visit from Agent Feelyhandsy’s friend, Agent Kindbutfirm. Agent Kindbutfirm will escort you off to a quiet corner of the airport where you can collect yourself—and Agent Feelyhands can give you the thrice-over (like the once-over, but—oh, you know what I mean), cute or not.
- There is free wifi in the airport, but it can be, at times (read: all of the time) balky and difficult to get to work. Apparently, Boingo, the name they have given this so-called “hot spot,” is apparently some form of pig-latin for “smile, you’re on Candid Camera.” Watching travelers lose their minds as they struggle to use the wifi featured on signs plastered all over the concourse (holding their phones high and shaking them with both hands as if throttling the thing, while shouting “Why won’t you @#$%ing work?” for example) is a major form of entertainment for airport staff.
- Regarding the consequences of being too obvious in noticing their mirth, please see points 2 and 1a.
- Parents traveling with small children can apparently buy a day pass from responsibility. Those in possession of these passes are easily identified by their tendency to read, talk on their phones, play Angry Birds on their phones, eat huge amounts of overpriced food, and talk loudly amongst themselves about the difficulties of traveling with children, while the toddlers in question are busily running about, screaming, crying, either hitting, flinging toys at, or vomiting on other travelers, or dropping trou and taking a quick, greasy dump beside the small device charging station.
- For information regarding the consequences of speaking to bearers of this Responsibility Vacation Pass and requesting they pay some attention to their child(ren), please see points 2 and 1a.
- For information regarding the consequences of getting right in the Pass bearer’s face and shouting for them to “control their @#$%ing hellspawn, and do it right @#$%ing now!” please message me privately. I . . . I don’t want the public to see me cry, but my therapist says it’ll be good to get it off my chest.
- Speaking of the charging stations, these are tall, narrow fixed counters scattered about the concourse with both regular outlets and USB outlets built into them “for your convenience.” If you are lucky enough to find a station without the aforementioned steaming pile of used food (see point 4, above), please remember to check and make sure any devices you plug in are actually charging. Just because the charging station is there and not marked Out of Order doesn’t mean it’s not out of order. Besides, apparently “for your convenience” is some sort of code meaning “for their amusement,” and the airport staff will have loads of fun watching you realize the phone, tablet, and/or laptop you’ve had plugged in for the better part of an hour has been slowly draining, rather than charging.
- Making a stink about it so the other travelers will know the station is out of order is spoiling the fun, and will get you a visit from Agent Kindbutfirm (see point 2)
- Getting up in airport staff’s grill and asking “what kind of asshat @#$%weasel refuses to put up a @#$%ing Out of @#$%ing Order sign?” is a sure method to invoke a visit from Agents Upagainstthewall and Spreadum, and your cell phone will be dead so you can’t even call for help, or a lawyer, and from there it’s just . . . just . . . please message me privately.
To sum up: don’t count on anything and don’t bitch about anything. Just sit down, shut up, and let them fly the plane. And invest in some good earphones/earplugs. They’ll help filter out the screams. Of the children. Yeah . . . the children . . .
Talk to you later!